I can't begin to thank you all enough for the sweet emails, the cards, the comments, etc. that you have posted during this time. I sincerely appreciate it all!
I was trying to decide what I should type up here and figured I would just cut and paste from another online journal that I have. It's raw, open and honest.......just a fair warning.
Thank you again!!! :)
I have my moments. There are things to keep me busy throughout the day. I try to get myself so tired that I fall asleep when I hit the pillow, but sometimes it doesn’t work and I think about Grandma and start to cry. There are times when I’m not busy enough during the day and I think about her again and I break down. I go through times of having regrets and then work through them and feel better about it. Then I take them back and start feeling them all over again. It’s a give and take. Over and over again. I imagine that’s only normal. After all, I still live with regrets 17 years after my Opa died. And I’m sure I’ll have regrets when my Oma dies someday.
Something that I’ve held to since I was MUCH younger (not like I’m all that old now…..I’m only 30, though sometimes I feel like I’ve lived 3 times that long with all the bizarre life experiences I’ve banked up in my 30 short years) is that the last words that the people I love the most hear out of my mouth are “I love you.” Whenever Davy or the kids or I leave the house, or whenever I talk on the phone with my parents or grandparents, or even online with my closest and dearest of friends, as well as when Davy and I fall asleep at night……the last thing I want people to hear coming out of my mouth, or typed from my fingers, is “I love you.” You never know when your time, or their time, is going to come up. I don’t want anyone that I love and care about the most to have words other than those to be ringing in their ears or going through their minds as my last words, other than “I love you.” I have heard so many stories of people that have died and the last thing they said was something that no one wants to remember, something that hurts them to think about it even years later. I don’t want that to be the case with me. Honestly, I can’t even remember how far back it goes that I’ve felt like this…..yes, it’s been that long.
I called my grandmother a week ago today. That was the last time I talked to her. I knew she didn’t have the energy to talk, but I wanted my grandfather to at least hold the phone to her ear so she could hear me say that I loved her. I am so thankful that she at least had enough energy to breathe out the same words back to me. I will always be grateful for that, as they are the last words we each said to each other.
I wanted to call her on Thursday of last week to let her hear me say it again, as I wanted to be able to say it as many times as I could to her, for as long as I still had time. I told my grandfather that I would call back when she wasn’t napping so that Girly could tell her the same thing. Well, it never happened. Between the time I got the kids home from school and had to leave for work, there was less than an hour in there and chaos always ensues when the kids come home from school. Thursdays are always chaos because there’s less than an hour from the time the kids come home, Davy comes home and then I’m out the door to work. There’s getting all the coats, hats, mittens, backpacks and boots put away, emptying out the homework, getting the kids a snack, trying to referee between the kids, etc. I thought about it at work that night….that I never got to call her. I told myself I would do it that night when I got home, but I knew that she’d likely be sleeping, so I told myself I would do it the next morning. I knew the nurses would be there in the morning, so I wanted to wait till they left. It never happened. The nurses got there and Grandma had passed away. I kicked myself for not calling when I should have. That’s the first thought that came to mind when my mom called and gave me the news. I had told myself the night before that I didn’t want to have the regret of not calling her when I said I would before she passed away and it was like my worst nightmare come true. The thing that I said I didn’t want to happen……happened. I remember telling my mom on the phone, when she called with the news, “I should have called her. I knew this would happen. I should have done it.”
I don’t want to live with regrets. It happens, though. We’re only human. That’s the way life is. We have regrets, we mull them over and work them out. Then we take them back again and embrace them tight, only to let them go once again. The cycle repeats itself. They’re part of the memories that we process as we work through life experiences.
I’ve been working through this one over the past 5 days and I’m sure I’ll still be working through it 30 years from now, just on a less frequent cycle. Time doesn’t always completely heal. It just waters down the pain.
I keep telling myself that it’s okay. How many times can “I love you” be the last words I say? Every time I am blessed with the opportunity to say them. That’s how many times. I keep telling myself not to live with regret…..that the last words that we both said to each other were the words I wanted us both to hear, “I love you.” If that’s the last words we both said, that should be enough. But enough love is never enough. There’s always room for more. There’s always going to be a time when I want another chance for the last words to be, “I love you.” I want today to be another chance to say, “I love you.” I want tomorrow to be another chance. And the day after that and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that…….but the reality of it is…..I will have to live with the fact that last Wednesday was the last time. And until I accept that reality, I will always want another chance. And is that really so bad? I don’t think so. I’d rather keep wanting another chance than to accept that I never will have another chance.
Oh Erika, Ive said it before and i say it again. Your are such a wonderful example of Grace. Undoubtably some of that much trickle down from your grandmother. I know that nothing I say can make your pain any less, your sorrow is yours to own and embrace. It is so wonderful to know that we have people in our life that are so very important to us that we hold on to the loss almost as much as the life. I don't know what your beliefs are reguarding life everlasting, Heaven or God, But I believe that where she is, you are with her. Where you are, she is with you and no matter where that is.... She is whole again, peacful and happy. Erika, you are such a special soul, you share this with your children and your family and friends. You will one day be the one who is missed. I hope you are aware of the lives you touch each and every day. Im so happy that Im one of them.
God bless you and keep you safe in this life, My Friend.
Love and prayers,
Lourin
Posted by: Lourin | February 01, 2007 at 12:20 PM
I was wondering how you were doing... I've been thinking about you and praying for you each day.
Travis' just had a boy-hood friend pass away, so I can relate to the pain of having death so near. I hate it. I try to run from it. It's so good of you to confront it! My grandfather Judy's dad) is really sick and will probably pass away soon. I'm hoping he will be okay for a few more weeks because we're flying down to FL to visit. Anyway, all that to say that I can really relate and I'll be praying for you still...
Hugs, my friend!
Posted by: Nicole Seitler | February 02, 2007 at 01:05 PM
how true your comments are. I think of that when my husband isn't talking to me. It's more like, in my head, you'll be sorry if something happens while I'm out- you'll regret it forever.....but now when it really does happen and you don't say it...., since I had my arm around my daddy as he took his last breath two years ago this coming March....I keep thinking now....did I tell him? did I tell him while he still knew I was talking to him?? I spent most of the night alone with him the night before while my mom went home to get some sleep. I really thought he'd have some miracle happen and that he'd get better,so while he was lucid, I didn't say goodbye to him. I thought he'd get through it all. I miss my dad so much and know how tough it all is. especially after losing my younger brother 13 yrs ago. that doesn't get better either. it's a little easier, but life is different in a way that you never knew before. . Ok, just had to share. Now I'm bawling at my desk at work......take care. hugs.and God Bless
Lisa
Posted by: stampylisa (scs) | February 05, 2007 at 05:24 PM
how true your comments are. I think of that when my husband isn't talking to me. It's more like, in my head, you'll be sorry if something happens while I'm out- you'll regret it forever.....but now when it really does happen and you don't say it...., since I had my arm around my daddy as he took his last breath two years ago this coming March....I keep thinking now....did I tell him? did I tell him while he still knew I was talking to him?? I spent most of the night alone with him the night before while my mom went home to get some sleep. I really thought he'd have some miracle happen and that he'd get better,so while he was lucid, I didn't say goodbye to him. I thought he'd get through it all. I miss my dad so much and know how tough it all is. especially after losing my younger brother 13 yrs ago. that doesn't get better either. it's a little easier, but life is different in a way that you never knew before. . Ok, just had to share. Now I'm bawling at my desk at work......take care. hugs.and God Bless
Lisa
Posted by: stampylisa (scs) | February 05, 2007 at 05:24 PM
I've just been catching up on your blogs.....I am so sorry to hear of your grandmother. I know what you are going through - mine just passed 2 weeks ago. Please don't beat yourself up about the phone call......I did it for 10 years after my grandfather passed and it is very draining on your energy. I was stuck at college during a blizzard and there was no travel allowed. I drove home - not knowing he was in the hospital - and he had passed that morning. Having now watched my grandmother pass, I am glad that I didn't see my grandfather like that. Remember the good times, remember the blessed times, and remember her how YOU want to remember her....as the kind, giving grandmother she was - and always will be in your heart.
My thoughts are with you and your family as you heal through this process.
Posted by: conductorchik | May 09, 2007 at 09:15 AM