SunshineMama

Things as they are lately.....

I can't begin to thank you all enough for the sweet emails, the cards, the comments, etc. that you have posted during this time. I sincerely appreciate it all!

I was trying to decide what I should type up here and figured I would just cut and paste from another online journal that I have. It's raw, open and honest.......just a fair warning.

Thank you again!!! :)

I have my moments. There are things to keep me busy throughout the day. I try to get myself so tired that I fall asleep when I hit the pillow, but sometimes it doesn’t work and I think about Grandma and start to cry. There are times when I’m not busy enough during the day and I think about her again and I break down. I go through times of having regrets and then work through them and feel better about it. Then I take them back and start feeling them all over again. It’s a give and take. Over and over again. I imagine that’s only normal. After all, I still live with regrets 17 years after my Opa died. And I’m sure I’ll have regrets when my Oma dies someday.

Something that I’ve held to since I was MUCH younger (not like I’m all that old now…..I’m only 30, though sometimes I feel like I’ve lived 3 times that long with all the bizarre life experiences I’ve banked up in my 30 short years) is that the last words that the people I love the most hear out of my mouth are “I love you.” Whenever Davy or the kids or I leave the house, or whenever I talk on the phone with my parents or grandparents, or even online with my closest and dearest of friends, as well as when Davy and I fall asleep at night……the last thing I want people to hear coming out of my mouth, or typed from my fingers, is “I love you.” You never know when your time, or their time, is going to come up. I don’t want anyone that I love and care about the most to have words other than those to be ringing in their ears or going through their minds as my last words, other than “I love you.” I have heard so many stories of people that have died and the last thing they said was something that no one wants to remember, something that hurts them to think about it even years later. I don’t want that to be the case with me. Honestly, I can’t even remember how far back it goes that I’ve felt like this…..yes, it’s been that long.

I called my grandmother a week ago today. That was the last time I talked to her. I knew she didn’t have the energy to talk, but I wanted my grandfather to at least hold the phone to her ear so she could hear me say that I loved her. I am so thankful that she at least had enough energy to breathe out the same words back to me. I will always be grateful for that, as they are the last words we each said to each other.

I wanted to call her on Thursday of last week to let her hear me say it again, as I wanted to be able to say it as many times as I could to her, for as long as I still had time. I told my grandfather that I would call back when she wasn’t napping so that Girly could tell her the same thing. Well, it never happened. Between the time I got the kids home from school and had to leave for work, there was less than an hour in there and chaos always ensues when the kids come home from school. Thursdays are always chaos because there’s less than an hour from the time the kids come home, Davy comes home and then I’m out the door to work. There’s getting all the coats, hats, mittens, backpacks and boots put away, emptying out the homework, getting the kids a snack, trying to referee between the kids, etc. I thought about it at work that night….that I never got to call her. I told myself I would do it that night when I got home, but I knew that she’d likely be sleeping, so I told myself I would do it the next morning. I knew the nurses would be there in the morning, so I wanted to wait till they left. It never happened. The nurses got there and Grandma had passed away. I kicked myself for not calling when I should have. That’s the first thought that came to mind when my mom called and gave me the news. I had told myself the night before that I didn’t want to have the regret of not calling her when I said I would before she passed away and it was like my worst nightmare come true. The thing that I said I didn’t want to happen……happened. I remember telling my mom on the phone, when she called with the news, “I should have called her. I knew this would happen. I should have done it.”

I don’t want to live with regrets. It happens, though. We’re only human. That’s the way life is. We have regrets, we mull them over and work them out. Then we take them back again and embrace them tight, only to let them go once again. The cycle repeats itself. They’re part of the memories that we process as we work through life experiences.

I’ve been working through this one over the past 5 days and I’m sure I’ll still be working through it 30 years from now, just on a less frequent cycle. Time doesn’t always completely heal. It just waters down the pain.

I keep telling myself that it’s okay. How many times can “I love you” be the last words I say? Every time I am blessed with the opportunity to say them. That’s how many times. I keep telling myself not to live with regret…..that the last words that we both said to each other were the words I wanted us both to hear, “I love you.” If that’s the last words we both said, that should be enough. But enough love is never enough. There’s always room for more. There’s always going to be a time when I want another chance for the last words to be, “I love you.” I want today to be another chance to say, “I love you.” I want tomorrow to be another chance. And the day after that and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that…….but the reality of it is…..I will have to live with the fact that last Wednesday was the last time. And until I accept that reality, I will always want another chance. And is that really so bad? I don’t think so.  I’d rather keep wanting another chance than to accept that I never will have another chance.

A birthday present from my mom

A few months ago, my mom told me that Michael Flatley's "Lord of the Dance" was going to be in Lowell, Mass. and she knows I've wanted to see this production live for a VERY long time. 10 years, in fact. Since the first time I saw it on video. I've been enamored with this production since then.

I told my mom that she could buy the tickets as a present for my 30th birthday, which was last month. I was kind of kidding when I said it. Kind of. ;) So, mom took the bait and bought tickets for both of us. (click on pictures to see a larger view)
My parents had to go back to Rhode Island because my dad had to go back to work. My grandmother is being taken good care of by hospice and my parents were heading in the direction of RI and the tickets were already bought, so we made the choice to go.

It was so nice to be able to have the 3 1/2 hours of driving time with my mom.....talking through the past, present and future.....the emotions that we're all feeling right now with my grandmother's illness.....it's rare that I get to have my mom all to myself like that. I am so glad we decided to go. It was a well needed rest and distraction from all that's been going on here in the 8 days.

My pictures didn't come out as clear as I would have hoped because those dancers just move SO fast, but I'm glad I have what I do....so that I have something to put in my scrapbook alongside the playbill that I brought home. As much as they are a little blurry, I actually like them because of the vibrant colors and the movement that's happening in them.

It was an AMAZING production! Michael Flatley himself wasn't there, but I enjoyed it immensely in spite of that. To hear the music booming and to feel the bass.....and to hear those feet tapping on the floor....the choreography....everything about it.....ABSOLUTELY amazing! My mother is the absolute BEST (and my father, too, since he helped to pay for the tickets, even though he didn't get to go). My mom had never seen the production before....she had only seen Riverdance on DVD. I, on the other hand, have seen "Lord of the Dance" and "Feet of Flames"  so many times that I've just about worn out my VHS copy and now need to get it in DVD. I know every song, which song comes next, what dance moves to expect, etc. etc. I was able to tell my mom some of the story as it went on and LOVED every minute of seeing this live.
Come to find out, Dance Troupe 2, the troupe that tours the US and the same troupe that played last night in Lowell, Mass, is going to be 30 minutes up the road from me at the Flynn Center for the Performing Arts in Burlington!!! I SO wish that I could see it again! haha!

We spent the night with friends of my parents and enjoyed a delicious breakfast made by their friends. I drove the 4 hours home today and got back in time to pick up my kids from school.

Tomorrow, my plans for the day include some stamping, doing the dishes that piled up while I was gone and cleaning up the house. Just an easy day at home. ;)

Update on my grandmother

Thank you all for your kind words, the comments, the personal emails, the thoughts, prayers and more, during this time. I appreciate all of you and never dreamed that I would make such wonderful friends through such a simple thing as this blog. I truly am blessed!

Grandma is still holding on. We’re not sure how she’s made it this long. It can’t be too much longer.

We were able to go up on Tuesday night to visit with her. We brought along the pictures that the kids drew and both Grandma and Grandpa both loved them. I had also printed out some pictures of all of us, taped them to a piece of cardboard and set it up where she could see them. We were able to be there for a couple of hours and I was able to lay down next to Grandma and talk with her. She loved the card I brought, though I had to have my husband read it out loud because neither Grandma or I could do it.

We went back up on Wednesday during the day (Davy had to take the day off because it was too cold to work outside….he’s a carpenter and it was impossible to work outside in -25 below wind chill weather) and were able to be there for another hour.

My parents are still camped out at my grandparents’ house and my dad has been reading Bible passages to my grandmother, as per her request. My mom is a bit exhausted as it’s emotionally and physically draining for her, though my grandfather has really appreciated all the help they’ve been to them.

In the meantime, my dad had to drive my uncle to the hospital yesterday and we’re not sure how long he is going to be there (my uncle lives with my grandparents). I can’t go into the details on this situation, but it’s hard on my mom and my grandparents, so if you could please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, we’d appreciate that.

My parents have to leave on Monday to go back to Rhode Island, but my grandmother has finally agreed to hospice care….as long as it’s under her terms. We’re thankful that she’s allowing that because it will really relieve my grandfather, especially now that my uncle is in the hospital.

Again, thank you all SO much for the love, prayers and support you’ve been to us! Stampers truly are an awesome group of people!