Martin Family Adventure

Living with intention - letting go of the black and white

Since I posted about my re-do every hour, I have to admit that I've struggled quite a bit.  Of course, I completely expected that because I don't assume to think that I can change my habits and an eating disorder overnight. I've surprised myself in not feeling overwhelmingly guilty when I stumble. I fully expect this to be fleeting as I make changes in my eating habits and confront my Binge Eating Disorder. I think that going into it with this in mind has given me the ability to see the grays and not just the black and white. I know that this will also be fleeting and fluid, going back and forth until I can master it or at least grasp a hold of it while trying to master it. 

One of the most important things I've learned from therapy over the past year is to live with more intention. I've been able to do this in other parts of my life and so this gives me hope that I can do this when it comes to making decisions about what I put in my mouth, what I do with my thought patterns, etc. Some areas of my life have been so easy to incorporate this practice into, but I know this one will be a little harder to do. However, I'm determined to do it. 

My friend, Anna, posted a comment on my blog that has stuck with me the past few days. 

"But it's harder with food. With smoking, it's almost easier because you can stop. be done. be a non-smoker. But you can never be a non-eater, so the key is learning how to become a moderate eater. Not a strict dieter. Not an obsessive dieter. But someone who can eat healthy foods that are nutritious, in moderate portions... and who occasionally, when appropriate... also partakes in food celebrations without binging or feeling defined by them. For instance, piece of funnel cake at a carnival is normal. A chocolate ice cream cone with your grandpa is special. It seems simple, but there's so much fight involved. Fighting against what is comfortable is UNCOMFORTABLE. And is harder than anyone who has not had to do it could possibly understand. It involves emotional pain."

Moderation is something I've never been good at with food. For so long, I've been such a "black and white" type of person when it comes to how I view food and eating. I actually didn't realize this until I started seeing my therapist that specializes in eating disorders. I'd always thought of myself as someone that could be flexible and see the gray. it wasn't until I started to confront my BED that I saw this part of my character for what it really was; inflexible. This really is one of the few parts of my life where I am "black and white." For the most part, I AM flexible. I've learned to be gentle with myself, just not in the area of food. That's another thing I'm determined to work on. 

Recently, David said I should reward myself with something when I reach my goal weight. His suggestion was a Jack Russell Terrier. I've wanted a Jack for a very long time, but we have three dogs and two cats already. I really can't see us adding another dog to the mix in the next five or so years. He also suggested getting a tattoo to symbolize this journey. I can never justify the money for another tattoo. I recently got my second tattoo, but only because my sister bought me a gift certificate to the tattoo studio as a gift. The more and more I thought about it, I kept finding myself going back to a dream that I've had since I was 16 years old and something that got put on the back shelf when I found myself  struggling with my eating habits. It would symbolize a journey in a way that few rewards could. I still want to walk across the country. I would love for THIS to be my reward. 

I'm a big quote collector and this one came in my inbox yesterday, but I didn't open it up until I started writing this post. I find it very timely and appropriate:

"Watch your way then, as a cautious traveler; and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance, and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?" 

Just keep to the present little inch that is before you. 

The mountain and the river can only be passed in the same way; and, when you come to them, you will come to the light and strength that belong to them."
  
~Mary Ann Kelty, 1789-1873

Speaking of living with intention, I really should be getting more sleep. On that note, I must stop all this rambling and get myself to bed. 

Just one of those days....or a couple of them

The rest of my tribe is asleep. Even the dogs and cats are conked out on the floor. I'm sitting here wide awake. I took my grandfather back to his house last night after poker night at our house. It was 11:30 by the time we pulled into his driveway and I was so tired, so I spent the night. I went right to bed as soon as I got there and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep once my head hit the pillow. I woke up at 8 am feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. My back and hips ached and felt like ripping my uterus out due to the most horrible cramping I've experienced in a long while. The only redeeming part of last night's sleep was that I slept hard and had the most amazing dreams. Dreams are hit or miss with me. They are always so vivid and many years laters (decades for some), I could recite them to you from beginning to end in all their bright or morbid detail. I popped 3 Tylenol, said goodbye to my grandfather and headed the 45 min. back home. I struggled to stay awake while driving. As soon as I got home, I lay on the couch and was doing a slow motion writhe on the couch because I hurt so much. It took a little over an hour for the Tylenol to finally kick in. I started to doze on the couch until David suggested, at 9 am, to go lay in our room. It was about 12:30 pm when I finally woke up. I felt a bit more human by that point. 

I've been dragging all day. I took Zach down the road to our little town beach so he could catch minnows and brought along my textbook for the Gender Roles course I'm taking this summer and didn't get much read because I had to keep redirecting myself in my book. On the drive home, we stopped at the creek so Zach could look for more fish. I opened all the doors of the truck, put my seat back and fell asleep again. 

This has been my default mode the past few days. I try putting on the brave face for everyone around me. I don't want people to worry about me and wonder what's wrong. I just have those days, now and then, when I feel like I'm simply passing through life without really experiencing it. My mind plays tricks on me and it's those days when I feel like there are people that might be happier without me around and so I retreat inside myself.

Without giving too much TMI, for 7 days every month, I'm emotionally unavailable and useless to those around me. Over the years, I've learned to medicate and cope with the pain and infections that come along with the wonders of being a female every month since I was 13 years old. Spending time sleeping it off helps, but over the past few years, I've struggled to come to terms to the emotional, mental, and physical upheaval that has come with it. About a year and a half ago, the way that I felt, emotionally and physically, were so intense that it scared me. I set up an appointment with my doctor who then suggested that I see my OB/GYN. I was diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). I'd never heard of it before then, but have become well acquainted with it since then. When I got the diagnosis, I read everything I could about it, including the booklets that my OB/GYN sent me home with. Everything started to make sense, but at the same time, none of it made sense. It was shortly after this diagnosis that I started seeing my therapist. 

There are months that have gone by since I've been in therapy when the emotional/mental toll isn't nearly as extreme, but there are months, like this one, that I feel completely and utterly useless. Last night was the deepest point and things are on their way up. There is a lot more going on in my life since last year so the dynamics have changed for me, as well in the relationships that I have. I think back to probably 5 years ago and never would I have imagined that I'd be in such a weird and different place emotionally, mentally, and physcially. I figured I would hit all of this at menopause. It's been a lot for me to take in and process at my age. 

Tonight, though, has not be an easy processing session for me. I've blown through a bowl of multigrain cereal with bananas and skim milk, another bowl of rice krispies with bananas and skim milk, half a bag of stale salt and vinegar chips (that I rummaged in the back of the truck for while it was raining), 2 diet iced teas, 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on wheat bread, 2 nectarines, 2 more bananas, a pint of blueberries, and 5 Newton's fruit thins. I've never shared an itemized list from one of my bingeing sessions before other than in a food diary a few times but I thought it was important for people to see that people dealing with Binge Eating Disorder (BED) don't always binge on crap food. For many people dealing with BED, it's not about junk food, but food in general. And now I deal with the guilt and shame, along with the PMDD on top of it. Suddenly it makes sense to me why I feel like sleeping and not waking up till it's all over.  

Like every month that I deal with the PMDD and BED jackpot, I feel like I don't have the luxury of showing the world who I am in "real time." Who I am at this moment would most likely scare people. They're not used to this "me." They're used to seeing the girl with the smile, the girl with the positive outlook, the girl that has it all together. And so I put on my mask and brace myself for the emotional and physical roller coaster of those 7 days. 

The Lap-band isn't a cure-all, but sometimes people need a helping 'band'

I sent off the paperwork for the Lap-band procedure yesterday. It took me 3 months to finally put it all together and get it in the mail. I was surprised to get a call today to set me up for my first group consult. July 11th is the day. I dreamed last night that I forgot important information on my application and it was sent back and I was put at the back of the waiting list. That phone call was a reassurance that I was only dreaming. DAMN, that phone call was quick! It was only yesterday that it went into the mail!

With all the hesitation that I had with filling out my food diary, now that it's in the bariatric surgery office and I have an appointment for the group consult, my mind is a lot more at peace. I'm looking forward to hearing more about the program and deciding where the next part of my journey takes me. 

When I was at my therapist appointment last month, we were talking about why I was holding back with sending in my paperwork. Why was I stuck on the food diary? I told her that I wasn't sure what to write in it. The instructions were very clear as to what to put in it, but I had this feeling that if I was honest with it, the people at the surgery center would tell me that I just need to cut back and that I didn't need the surgery. I also had the feeling that if I put down that I was eating healthy, they would tell me I didn't need the surgery. I felt like I was doomed to be rejected right from the start. My therapist told me that I needed to be honest with the food diary and that the surgery center was used to seeing the diaries of people with Binge Eating Disorder. The center wouldn't exist if it weren't for people being honest with their food diaries. Still, though, I held off. I would start my days out good and feel like I couldn't write in the diary because it wasn't a true representation of what my eating patterns are like. Then, the end of the day would be shot to hell and by then, I was so discouraged that I didn't even think about writing in the diary. 

I'm sure that it's normal for people to be contemplating bariatric surgery to go back and forth in their decision making process. There were times over the past three months that I told myself that a Lap-band was just a cop-out. Then I would tell myself that my doctor has been seeing me for 13 years and he never would have made the referral if he didn't think it would help me in any way.  As soon as I felt like that, I would get discouraged about the food diary and the vicious cycle would continue once again. My therapist asked me some hard questions. What if this IS just a cop-out? Is that so bad? After all, it's not an easy process to get the Lap-band and I'm going to have to make hard choices and tough habit changes so in the long run, it really isn't a cop-out. It's hard work. Even if I decide that I don't want to do the procedure, what's it going to hurt to go to the consult and listen to what my options are. I'm under no obligation either way. She told me this last month and it's taken me this long to let it sink it and finally do the paperwork and get started, but that's not a bad thing when I look back at it. I try not to jump into things head first and I usually have to go through a processing of sorts when I make the big decisions. Sure, it may have taken three months to get to this point, but here I am and I'm cool with it. 

I understand that the Lap-band isn't a cure all. There's a lot of counseling, behavioral modification, diet changes and exercise habits, and so much more that go along with the Lap-band. I know that and I'm ready to look into it further.