Martin Family Adventure

Part 12 - You know it's time to lose weight when you break the toilet seat

This is the twelth part in a series, CLICK HERE to start at Part 1.

 

If you remember, I started on my medication for acute depression and anxiety on July 25, 2009. I didn't share any of this with David because I didn't need the stress of listening to how he felt about it. While I didn't tell him about taking the meds, I also didn't hide the fact that I was taking them. The bottle of meds was right in the front of the medicine cabinet and right next to his bottle of vitamins, so he could see them at any time. I figured this was the easiest way to go about it for the time being. If he happened to see them and ask me about it, that would be the best timing. I decided that the opportunity would present itself when the timing was right. 

That timing came at the end of September. A dear friend of mine was moving back to Vermont from the Philadelphia area and she needed help with packing and driving the moving truck. I made myself available to be her helper and headed to PA via Amtrak train. It was a long trip down (around 11 hours), but a pleasant one as I had brought a book to read and my daughter's iPod with great music to listen to. On one part of the trip, I was privileged to sit next to a fascinating older woman that had great stories to tell. For the rest of the trip, I was happy to have the seat to myself so I could get lost in reading the biography of Rita Marley and her life with Bob Marley. 

Just 5 minutes before pulling into the Philadelphia train station, I got a call from David on my cell phone. He said that he was cleaning off the desk in our room and found a paper from the pharmacy for Celexa and read that it was an anti-depressant. He wanted to know who it was for and I told him it was mine. 

David: They're yours? You're on anti-depressants? How long have you been on them?

Me: Yes, they're mine and I've been on them since July. 

David: Why didn't you tell me?

Me: And what would you have said if I told you?

David: I know....you're right. 

Me: You said yourself that you've noticed a big change in me and that I've really blossomed. Why do you think that change happened so quickly? If I had told you that I was on meds, you would have argued with me about it and discouraged me. I needed to take care of ME and get myself better for the sake of all of us. I didn't need the negativity. 

David: I know. I'm so sorry. Is your depression because of me? Is it my fault? I try to be a good husband and father. I'm so sorry if I've fallen short. I love you so much and I'm so sorry. 

Me: It's no one's fault, it's just how my reality has been and I needed to get better so that we could ALL be better. 

 

And with that, he began to cry on the other end of the phone and I had some tears in my own eyes, though I smiled through the whole thing. This was a definite breakthrough and one that we both needed badly. 

 

David: I'm so sorry. I'll try to be better and different. I love you. 

Me: I know you do. You're a great huband and father, but I need you to be supportive of this decision. I never hid any of this from you, it was there in plain sight. The paper on the desk, the bottle next to your vitamins....but you needed to know in the right timing and apparently, this is it. I hope this isn't a life-long thing, but if it is, then you need to support that, too. 

David: I will be. I hate that you're so far away from me right now. We have so much to talk about. I know you'll be home tomorrow, but I wish you were home right now. 

Me: We'll talk all about it when I get home. In the meantime, my train is pulling into the station, so I need to get going. We can talk on the phone later. I love you!

David: I love you, too. So much!

 

I hung up and got off the phone and met up with my friend, Anna (not the one that I was helping to move), and we headed off to a little restaurant to chat and get a bite to eat. As we were walking there, I told Anna about the phone call I'd just gotten. Anna knew that I had started taking the meds and how David had felt about it. It was so nice to connect with someone that knew what I was going through and who could give me some encouragement.

While we were sitting outside on the restaurant patio, my phone rang again. It was nearing 11 pm and it was David. He said he was heading off to bed and that he wanted to tell me again that he loved me and that he was so sorry if he was the cause of any of my depression. I assured him that everything was okay and that I loved him, too. He was all choked up again on the phone and told me that he couldn't wait until I got home. We said goodnight and hung up.

This was a discussion that I had been dreading with him since the day I popped that first pill. I didn't even tell him I had gone to the doctor for a diagnosis. I was convinced then more than ever that the way he found out was truly meant to happen that way. I'm glad I was gone when he discovered everything. I feel that it gave him the opportunity to process it all before I got home and allowed us both to have some distance. I was able to go home knowing that the subject had been approached and we'd each have had time to think about what we were going to say to each other. This was a great opportunity for us to talk about it with the right intentions. I wouldn't be on the defensive and he would have time to think about my reasons for doing this. 

Part 10 - You know it's time to lose weight when you break the toilet seat

This is the tenth part in a series, CLICK HERE to start at Part 1

On July 30, 2009, I wrote the following entry in my journal to keep updated with how I was doing on the Celexa:

 

Day 6 of meds

I'm having an amazing day. I don't think I could have a bad day even if I wanted to. I don't feel any more side effects. No jittery feelings any more. I haven't felt like I do right now in a very long time. 

I've been making changes to my eating habits and I'm already seeing the results. I've lost 3 pounds so far in a little over a week's time. I haven't been too careful with the way I eat since winter time. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been, but even still, it's not all that heavy. I'm completely comfortable with my own skin, but for the sake of my heath, I know I needed to make some changes. I can feel the effect it's taken on me, especially with my knees. Before, I felt like I couldn't make the change. I didn't have the motivation. The doctor told me that I should be careful with the medication and to keep an eye on my weight, as it could go either way. It could make me put weight on or it could suppress my appetite. I'm finding that it's been suppressing my appetite, which definitely helps. 

I used to walk a lot but got to the point that I didn't want to go out of the house much except to take the dog out and play with her in the backyard. I've been getting out a lot more and taking walks, going to the library, reading books in the park, going cricket hunting in the field with Zach. It's been good for the soul. 

I'm doing some of my favorite creative projects for my work right now. It really helps that going into this medication thing that I had work that feeds my creative senses. 

 

As I look back on that journal entry, I honestly did feel comfortable in my skin at the time and I chalk that up to being on the medication. It was one of those really good days. Nothing anyone said could bring me down that day. Feeling comfortable in my skin was hit or miss depending on the day. 

It was so encouraging to actually feel good again. The first two weeks of taking my Celexa was so tough to get through. I had to keep reminding myself that things would even out eventually and I need to push through it. I remember sitting in my desk chair in my studio and spinning around, rocking back and forth, and wiggling around uncontrollably. I couldn't sit still and my mind was spinning. The feeling was so scary to me because I'd never experienced anything like it. I felt like I was going crazy, as if I were losing my mind. I tried my hardest to hide this from David (as the journal entry below explains why). At one point, he saw me fidgeting in my studio and asked what was going on. I told him that I was thinking about creative things and what project I was going to work on next. It was the only thing I could think of that would keep him from asking any more questions. 

Here is my journal post from August 2, 2009

Day 9 of meds

I was really hesitant to step up from 20 mg to 40 mg last night. I did the first 8 days on half a pill. My doctor wanted me to go up to a whole pill after a week. I almost cut the pill in half last night and just stayed with that, but I took a leap of faith and took the whole pill. I'm bracing myself for the side effects today. I finally got over the jittery feeling last week and I really don't want to feel that way again, but I have a feeling I will with the full dose. I'm hoping it won't be as intense as when I first went on it. I'm trying not to make myself anxious thinking about it.

We were going to go to church today, but David is feeling jittery from not smoking since Thursday and is having trouble concentrating. I'm worried about feeling jittery right about that time of the day, so with Zach not being able to sit still in church on a regular basis, we'd be a mess. It's not like the church is big to begin with, so it would be a huge distraction and make David and I even more anxious.

I want you all to know that I'm really grateful for your support in all of this. One of the biggest reasons I'm grateful is that David doesn't know that I'm taking the Celexa. While that may seem weird to so many of you to keep this from him, I have my reasons. First off, he's anti-meds. Secondly, he believes that any depression can be taken care of with dietary measures. While it's true that we are what we eat and that I could make changes that would benefit me with my eating habits, I can't keep feeling like I was feeling. It was no longer good for me or my family. David has Candida. He was diagnosed with it as a teenager. He tends to feel that what I've been going through is the same thing. He can control his Candida if he chooses his foods wisely. Just because he has Candida, though, doesn't mean that I do. I've never shown any signs of it. I can eat things he can't and still function normally, which leads me to believe that I'm not dealing with the same thing he is. 

He's very supportive in allowing me to take time to myself, to keep the kids under control if I'm feeling fragile, he's been great about letting me nap or sleep in on the weekends, he does a lot around the house, but when it comes to meds, he would be completely unsupportive. 

This is why I haven't told him. I really need to think about myself and do something to get myself better for the sake of him and the kids...and for myself. I don't need the added stress of him being upset about me taking them, trying to convince me otherwise and trying to pressure me to go off them or do things his way. I can't handle that on top of all the rest of it. Believe it or not, but not telling him doesn't bother me at all. Sure, I wish he could be supportive about it but knowing how he would be if he knew, it's so much easier for me. I'm just glad he's supportive in other ways and that's why I'm cool with it all. And I also have all of you...which makes up the support for the meds that I don't have with him. 

This was a huge leap of faith for me because I didn't want to take the meds. It's hard for me to take meds in the first place. I have to get to the point where I'm beyond any alternative help to take meds. A few of you, and a couple friends off of LJ that I trust, have said that if another part of my body were sick, I would take meds so to think of it the same way. Here's the thing...I tend to lean toward a holistic and alternative route so chances are, if my blood pressure were high, I WOULDN'T take meds for it. If I had cancer, I WOULDN'T go with chemo or radiation. If I had arthritis, I WOULDN'T take meds for it. That's not my first thought. It's not my first course of action. It's a last resort for me and that's why I was so hesitant to do it. I've had to look at this as something I've tried to do on my own for a while now and I just can't anymore. It's time for the "big guns." That's the only way I've been able to reconcile this for myself. 

Part 9 - You know it's time to lose weight when you break the toilet seat

This is the eighth part in a series, CLICK HERE to start at Part 1

I was so naive to think that something so intense could go away so quickly on its own. The overwhelming despair that I felt was so frightening to me. I would be overcome with sadness and lose all motivation. Noises and chaos that were every day life to me with a husband and two kids all of the sudden became too much for me to take in. My head felt like it was in a vice when things became too noisy. I felt like I was going crazy. It was in those moments when I knew I had to get away. I would leave the kids with David and drive away with the dog or I would go for a long walk in the field across the street. I needed solitude and to be alone. I would sometimes park the truck and take a nap to sleep off the confusion and tension that I felt. I would sob while walking through the field, not even understanding the reason for crying. 

Near the end of July, I knew that I had to do something about how I felt. I honestly don't even remember what my eating habits were during this time. It all seems like a blur to me, though some of it sticks out so well to me. I do remember that I had become someone that I no longer recognized. I had anxiety building up in me to the point that I didn't know what would happen if it boiled over. I scared myself. 

In my journal, I wrote:

July 24, 2009

My business coach, who also happens to be a friend, pushed me to finally call my doc and make an appointment. I called yesterday and got an 11 am appointment. I had the neighbor keep an eye on Girly and had some blood drawn to check my thyroid. Then I sat in front of my doctor and tried to hold it together and went through about 4 tissues. I told myself that I wasn't going to let anyone see me as vulnerable as I feel, but that didn't last long. As soon as I started talking, that was it. I was a mess.

He spent more time than he probably should have talking with me....I feel bad for the people that had to wait for him to see them. 

I'm going to call the counseling service and get an appointment. He also put me on Celexa. I didn't want to go the medication route. I really didn't. I'd much rather make a diet change, do some therapy and go alternative, but after my doc knowing me for 10 years and knowing this isn't the "normal Erika" that he's used to seeing, he recommended going on a low dose and seeing where I'm at in 3 weeks.

He diagnosed "acute depression with anxiety." Yes, it's gotten pretty bad. I haven't written to much about it here and I find that I usually only write when I'm actually feeling on a high. 

There are times when I feel like myself and then there are times when I hardly recognize who I am. I've been living off of ibuprofen for the past week as the headaches have gotten worse and made me feel sick. I leave the house when I think I'm going to explode. I'm too scared to stay. I don't want my kids to see me fall apart. I have intense moments of feeling like everything is good and happy and then I crash so suddenly that it's frightening to me. 

The bottle of medication sits in my medicine cabinet, untouched. I'm working up the courage to actually take one and get started. I have always considered myself to be a strong person. The thought of taking one of those pills makes me feel like I'm a failure, like I'm weak and it makes me feel embarrassed for not being able to rise above this on my own. To work my way through it on my own. I don't feel like this about other people that have depression and need to be taking something for it. I just feel this way about myself.  I know this is bullshit thinking. I know I'm not weak. The fact that I've made it this long feeling the way I have without going insane and the fact that I actually reached out this time to get help shows some strength, but I have a hard time convincing myself of that. 

My goal is to have half a pill down the hatch before I hit the sack tonight.

I took the meds, but I didn't call the counseling agency. Something held me back from doing that. Part of it was that I had been brought up to not put much trust in the field of psychology. The other part was that I still had this thought that I could make it through on my own. I think I was too scared to take the unbelievable amount of time it would require to start digging through all of the past with a therapist. The mere thought of taking all of that on made me feel like shutting down. I decided to take the first step, though, in finding some way to cope and heal. 

June 26, 2009

Day 2 of meds

I feel wired, keyed up and jittery. I can't say I like this feeling.

 

July 28, 2009

Day 4 of meds

(I'm keeping this all written down so that if I need to go back later to find symptoms and stuff to tell the doc, I have it in one place)

The jittery, keyed up and wired feeling was there yesterday, as well, but near as bad as it was on Sunday. I'm expecting the next bout in an hour or so...as that's when it seems to hit. Somewhere in mid day. When I get that feeling, it's scary. My heart feels like it's racing a little bit....like I'm hopped up on caffeine overdose or something. I feel anxious and panicky...but it's getting less and less. When I come down off of that, I feel normal. I want to sleep during those times, just so that I don't have to feel that way. It's almost like I feel nauseous, but I don't. Not sure how to describe it. 

I had a nasty head ache when I went to bed. Took some ibuprofen and it seemed to help. Woke up feeling like I had a hangover. Every time I bent over, my head hurt when I got up. Took some more ibuprofen. Seems to be better now. 

I can't stop yawning and when I do yawn, my jaw has this weird sensation like my mouth doesn't want to shut. That's been going on since I started taking the meds. It's not as bad as when it I first started, though, so hopefully things are evening out. 

I'm actually finding motivation to do what needs to be done around the house and in my work, which is something I haven't felt in a while.

Click HERE for Part 10