Since I posted about my re-do every hour, I have to admit that I've struggled quite a bit. Of course, I completely expected that because I don't assume to think that I can change my habits and an eating disorder overnight. I've surprised myself in not feeling overwhelmingly guilty when I stumble. I fully expect this to be fleeting as I make changes in my eating habits and confront my Binge Eating Disorder. I think that going into it with this in mind has given me the ability to see the grays and not just the black and white. I know that this will also be fleeting and fluid, going back and forth until I can master it or at least grasp a hold of it while trying to master it.
One of the most important things I've learned from therapy over the past year is to live with more intention. I've been able to do this in other parts of my life and so this gives me hope that I can do this when it comes to making decisions about what I put in my mouth, what I do with my thought patterns, etc. Some areas of my life have been so easy to incorporate this practice into, but I know this one will be a little harder to do. However, I'm determined to do it.
My friend, Anna, posted a comment on my blog that has stuck with me the past few days.
"But it's harder with food. With smoking, it's almost easier because you can stop. be done. be a non-smoker. But you can never be a non-eater, so the key is learning how to become a moderate eater. Not a strict dieter. Not an obsessive dieter. But someone who can eat healthy foods that are nutritious, in moderate portions... and who occasionally, when appropriate... also partakes in food celebrations without binging or feeling defined by them. For instance, piece of funnel cake at a carnival is normal. A chocolate ice cream cone with your grandpa is special. It seems simple, but there's so much fight involved. Fighting against what is comfortable is UNCOMFORTABLE. And is harder than anyone who has not had to do it could possibly understand. It involves emotional pain."
Moderation is something I've never been good at with food. For so long, I've been such a "black and white" type of person when it comes to how I view food and eating. I actually didn't realize this until I started seeing my therapist that specializes in eating disorders. I'd always thought of myself as someone that could be flexible and see the gray. it wasn't until I started to confront my BED that I saw this part of my character for what it really was; inflexible. This really is one of the few parts of my life where I am "black and white." For the most part, I AM flexible. I've learned to be gentle with myself, just not in the area of food. That's another thing I'm determined to work on.
Recently, David said I should reward myself with something when I reach my goal weight. His suggestion was a Jack Russell Terrier. I've wanted a Jack for a very long time, but we have three dogs and two cats already. I really can't see us adding another dog to the mix in the next five or so years. He also suggested getting a tattoo to symbolize this journey. I can never justify the money for another tattoo. I recently got my second tattoo, but only because my sister bought me a gift certificate to the tattoo studio as a gift. The more and more I thought about it, I kept finding myself going back to a dream that I've had since I was 16 years old and something that got put on the back shelf when I found myself struggling with my eating habits. It would symbolize a journey in a way that few rewards could. I still want to walk across the country. I would love for THIS to be my reward.
I'm a big quote collector and this one came in my inbox yesterday, but I didn't open it up until I started writing this post. I find it very timely and appropriate:
"Watch your way then, as a cautious traveler; and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance, and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?"
Just keep to the present little inch that is before you.
The mountain and the river can only be passed in the same way; and, when you come to them, you will come to the light and strength that belong to them."
~Mary Ann Kelty, 1789-1873
Speaking of living with intention, I really should be getting more sleep. On that note, I must stop all this rambling and get myself to bed.